Tonight its easier to just tell you what I want. I don't mean for this to be romantic, or pretty, or sweet. If you find it so, my love, then I am glad. But I feel like I must tell you plainly how I feel.
I want your voice. Its rich, and warm and sexy. I want the sound of it in my ear all night. I want you to whisper secrets to me, to tell me things you've never told anyone else. I want you to trust me tonight, to make me your confidante.
I want to drive with you. I want the windows down and my hair blowing free. I want you to sing with me to the radio, and not care if we're on key or what we're listening to. When we're together, it seems like all songs were written for us- both the sweet and the sad. While we drive, take my hand. Hold it in yours. I don't care that its hot out, I don't care if we sweat. I only want to know that you're there, and holding me close. The press of your hand is one of the most comforting things in the world to me. When you twine your fingers with mine, I know I am safe, and loved.
i want to find somewhere quiet and lay down with you. In the grass, on a couch or in a bed. I don't care where it is. I want the press of your head on my shoulder while I talk to you. I want the smell of your hair and your sweat and your cologne on my body. I want to run my fingers through your hair, stroking your scalp and tickling your neck. I want to feel you wiggle beneath me, and laugh. I love the sound of your laugh- throaty and slow and rough. I want to make you laugh over and over, until your face is buried in my chest and you are smothering the sound of your mirth against me.
Kiss me, then. Kiss me slow and soft and don't stop. Kiss me like you're teasing me. Kiss me like this is the last time you'll see me again. Kiss me with all the passion I think you bury deep in yourself for me, let me see it at last. Oh, I know, I know that you love me. You tell me all the time. But tonight, tonight I want to feel it. I want to feel it in your lips on mine, in your tongue playing across my lips and your teeth tearing gently at me until I am gasping for you. Show me tonight that I am the most special thing you've ever known. Show me tonight that you're glad to be mine, because I have always been happy to be yours. Let me taste all over you that you need me as much as you say you do.
Kiss me until it is your very last kiss, until you haven't a kiss left. After that, kiss me once more. And when you have finished, hold me close to you. I want to drift away on the sound of your heartbeat. I want to be rocked to sleep on the lullabye of your breath. Tonight I want your hands to be the last thing I think of as they touch my face, my neck, and my hair. Pull me close, and let me feel you.
When I let go tonight, I want it to be with you near me. You are in my heart. You always have been. Tonight, I want you to show me I'm in yours too.
My love.
My sweet.
My pulse.
AGxx
Thursday, June 30, 2011
My Weekend
Happy last day of June, friends! I hope July is a beautiful month for all of you. Honestly, some of June was awesome, but I'm glad for a new month- and new experiences to go with it.
Today was so much fun. I had two days off in a row, which i loved, beacuse it gave me a chance to really relax. We got up this morning and went to our favorite breakfast dive to eat. I had a waffle covered in strawberries and blueberries. I was able to eat it without getting sick, so that was an epic moment strait away. Now, I was disappointed because there were no breakfast cupcakes today, only chocolate banana scones, but I lived with it.
After we had taken care of some errands we met up with Kitten's sister, Cat, and went to a little hidden away spring we know about. It was awesome. We whiled away the afternoon there, playing in the seriously cold water and relaxing. Afterwards we went and got some italian before giving Cat our love as she headed back to her hometown, some three hours away. I was really glad to see her. It was nice. It had been since Christmas for me, because I was seriously sick the last time she and her husband were in town. I wish they lived closer to us, she's a lot of fun.
I did have one slightly traumatic moment today, I saved a kitten. One of our strays gave birth, and most of the babies didn't make it. There was one live one, though, that we found. It was still attached by the umbilical cord to one of its siblings that didn't make it. I had to tie off the cord and cut it so the live kitten didn't bleed to death. Not my favorite moment. The mother cat thought I was trying to hurt the kitten so she was trying to carry it off. Of course, the girls had gone for a walk so I was doing this all by myself. I almost cried while I was washing my hands afterwards. I'm turning into such a girl!
In other, less icky news, we went skating last night. This isn't a huge suprise, if you know us. Oscelot and I go to the rink almost every Wednesday. What is big, for me, anyway, is I finished my first speedskate. In case you aren't familiar, there is a point in every session where they clear everyone off the floor and they open it up to people who want to skate fast. Really fast. Up until yeserday, I hadn't done it. Well, I did once when were were skating with Lifeguard. I felt saef getting out there while she and one of the other derby girls, Cyclops, were skating. But I felt inadequate and I stepped off after two laps.
Last night I had a revelation. I keep talking about how much I want to do roller derby. Part of that is learning how to skate fast. Granted, it is much more than speed skating. It is a hundred other things. BUT I figured if I was going to whine I had better put up or shut up. So I put up. I told Oscelot I was going to do it. I was nervous. I almost chickened out. But, we reasoned, the worst that could happen was I would fall over, and then its over. I have to get up and keep skating.
Guess what? I fell. Like, in the first turn. I felt like a loser. But I was counting, and I was up in two seconds (that's derby regulation there) and I got back on my skates and finished out the speed session. Now, I can report two things. I have my first rink rash. I'm going to have to go buy a new pair of capri length leggings, because I tore them all to hell. The bruise this morning doesn't feel so spectactular. I'm not going to lie...The other thing is my respect for the roller girls went through the ceiling. Its hard! I really need to work on getting into shape. I know some of those girls smoke way more than I do, and my chest from center to throat felt like it was on fire by the time I was done. I was feeling it for about three songs afterwards. I don't know how they do it. Never doubt- those ladies are athletes of the highest order. I love them more now than ever before.
So that's my "weekend." I get to gear up for the fourth of July festivities this week. By that I mean i get to prepare to be bored at work and not do anything the night of the fourth. Tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't have done anything anyway. I'm not a huge fan of fireworks, for personal reasons...
I hope everyone is finishing out their week in style.
AGxx
PS- I highlighted my hair yesterday too. I'll probably have a picture up of it sometime soon.
Today was so much fun. I had two days off in a row, which i loved, beacuse it gave me a chance to really relax. We got up this morning and went to our favorite breakfast dive to eat. I had a waffle covered in strawberries and blueberries. I was able to eat it without getting sick, so that was an epic moment strait away. Now, I was disappointed because there were no breakfast cupcakes today, only chocolate banana scones, but I lived with it.
After we had taken care of some errands we met up with Kitten's sister, Cat, and went to a little hidden away spring we know about. It was awesome. We whiled away the afternoon there, playing in the seriously cold water and relaxing. Afterwards we went and got some italian before giving Cat our love as she headed back to her hometown, some three hours away. I was really glad to see her. It was nice. It had been since Christmas for me, because I was seriously sick the last time she and her husband were in town. I wish they lived closer to us, she's a lot of fun.
I did have one slightly traumatic moment today, I saved a kitten. One of our strays gave birth, and most of the babies didn't make it. There was one live one, though, that we found. It was still attached by the umbilical cord to one of its siblings that didn't make it. I had to tie off the cord and cut it so the live kitten didn't bleed to death. Not my favorite moment. The mother cat thought I was trying to hurt the kitten so she was trying to carry it off. Of course, the girls had gone for a walk so I was doing this all by myself. I almost cried while I was washing my hands afterwards. I'm turning into such a girl!
In other, less icky news, we went skating last night. This isn't a huge suprise, if you know us. Oscelot and I go to the rink almost every Wednesday. What is big, for me, anyway, is I finished my first speedskate. In case you aren't familiar, there is a point in every session where they clear everyone off the floor and they open it up to people who want to skate fast. Really fast. Up until yeserday, I hadn't done it. Well, I did once when were were skating with Lifeguard. I felt saef getting out there while she and one of the other derby girls, Cyclops, were skating. But I felt inadequate and I stepped off after two laps.
Last night I had a revelation. I keep talking about how much I want to do roller derby. Part of that is learning how to skate fast. Granted, it is much more than speed skating. It is a hundred other things. BUT I figured if I was going to whine I had better put up or shut up. So I put up. I told Oscelot I was going to do it. I was nervous. I almost chickened out. But, we reasoned, the worst that could happen was I would fall over, and then its over. I have to get up and keep skating.
Guess what? I fell. Like, in the first turn. I felt like a loser. But I was counting, and I was up in two seconds (that's derby regulation there) and I got back on my skates and finished out the speed session. Now, I can report two things. I have my first rink rash. I'm going to have to go buy a new pair of capri length leggings, because I tore them all to hell. The bruise this morning doesn't feel so spectactular. I'm not going to lie...The other thing is my respect for the roller girls went through the ceiling. Its hard! I really need to work on getting into shape. I know some of those girls smoke way more than I do, and my chest from center to throat felt like it was on fire by the time I was done. I was feeling it for about three songs afterwards. I don't know how they do it. Never doubt- those ladies are athletes of the highest order. I love them more now than ever before.
So that's my "weekend." I get to gear up for the fourth of July festivities this week. By that I mean i get to prepare to be bored at work and not do anything the night of the fourth. Tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't have done anything anyway. I'm not a huge fan of fireworks, for personal reasons...
I hope everyone is finishing out their week in style.
AGxx
PS- I highlighted my hair yesterday too. I'll probably have a picture up of it sometime soon.
Monday, June 27, 2011
If there was no you
Today I actually had a pretty good day at work. Tell you the truth, had we been busier and I had made more money, it would have been one of the best days I've ever had. Our crew was awesome. We had a good host. She's new, so she's not burnt out, she smiles, she helps out. Honestly, probably too much. I can't even get the table out the door before she's got the table clened and reset. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Oscelot was working with me. Mr. Boss was managing, which is always low-key. On the floor with me and Oscelot was Hgril and Rogue.
Now, Rogue and I may have had our differences in the past, but working with her is always fun when she's waitressing and not hosting. She's a good stocker, she's efficient, she's a great server (and I say that honestly, she's a better server than I am, truly) and she's usually in a pretty good mood. Today she was in a great mood, so she was a blast to work with.
I spent most of the morning laughing with my coworkers. It kept me flowing through what would have otherwise been an incredibly boring morning. I did have one table come in, and they made my morning. One of the guys at the table was young, and pretty funny. He was one of those customers that alternates between being really nice and giving you a hard time because they think its funny. It was funny, too. He gave me one hell of a time, but I didn't mind. It kept me entertained. When I gave him the check he was indignant I only wrote thank you at the top. While I got him change I wrote a note on the back of his receipt. "What I meant to say was: Thank you very very very much. I hope you have a really great day and you will come back and see me again. Is that better?" I drew a smiley face. I went back to the table afterwards and he had left me a 50% tip with a note of his own. "You're very welcome. I will. And I'll think a about it. A bit." and his initials. It made me laugh. Its customers like that that make the day go by faster. I wish I had ten more just like him every day.
I was pretty happy when I got off work. We came home and I got to do all those boring domestic things that no one cares about. We cuddled Kitten, made dinner, I got my ass beat in twelve successive games of Uno. It was painful. I read a bunch of roller derby blogs, and got lost in talk over strategy and such. It made me pretty happy. I've downloade a podcast with our local rollergirls on a local radio show. I'm going to listen to it whenever the girls go to bed, because its loud, and on the computer, and I don't want to bug them while they do their thing.
So that's my day.
I have had time in the last couple of weeks, however stressed I am, to figure out a few things. One of them is that I am very lucky to have the partners I have. I've been going through quite a bit emotionally, on top of being really stressed about work and not going to school, or the possibility that I might go to school, or whatever. I've had to take some time for serious reflection about myself. I've also been sick as hell. For whatever reason (probably stress) I can't seem to go more than a day or so without getting a migraine. This is really unusual since I'd gotten them down to next to nothing. I also can't seem to keep food in my body. Anytime I eat I end up sick to my stomach, one way or another. Its not plesant. I'd hedge my bets I'm losing weight. And while losing weight is somethign I want to do, this is deinately not the way I was wanting to do it, because I can't exercise or tone if I'm too sick to eat.
The fact that my two ladies have sat beside me and held my hair, or my hand or whatever body part I've needed held without complaint for two solid weeks is really awesome. I don't think many people have one partner, let alone two, that would do that for them. They've put up with me being extremely mopey and whiney. They even tolerated the two-day drug induced haze I was in when I finally broke down and took some medication for my headaches. They worked me through my first big ritual as a Wiccan, they supported me even when they knew I probably ought to be in bed resting rather than outside, playing aruond a fire and dancing. I've never seen two more patient women. Add to that the fact that I haven't really been engaged emotionally with them because I'm tired and they have issues they need work on too, and you see why I feel like I am such a lucky woman.
I've also learned that I have a couple of really, really awesome friends. Sakura and Perpet have listened to me bitch and whine for the better part of two weeks. Perpet tolerated a phone call from me while I was completely blazed on pain medication, and she talked to me (or rather, let me talk at her) for nearly an hour. I've gotten some good advice from both of them, and some much needed moral support.
Also, I might mention, Sakura was feeling poorly today, and if you're the type that prays, I'd be extremely grateful if you said one for him. He's an awesome person, and I hate to think of him in any type of pain.
I've learned that I'm a much needier person than I thought I was. I knew, I've always known, that I am an emotionally needy person. I've always been terribly engaged in everything. At times it makes me a trifle immature, and almost always it gets me into trouble. I have a bad habit of following my heart wherever the hell it thinks it needs to go, and most of the time, its not going anywhere happy. I used to think of myself as a relatively cold person, if I don't love you I really dont care. I think this is a defense mechanism, because I do love so many people its too easy for me to end up torn up. I hate that, because then I spiral into that I need someone to comfort me and make things better for me mode, and that's not cool.
I also realized what went wrong wtih Rogue and I's relationship. Iwon't go into details. Its not important now. But- I'll say this, I know we're both the blame, we both could have handled the situation better, but I think most of the blame rests at my door. I truly feel guilty about how I behaved with her, and though I've apologized I feel like I ought to do more. Sadly, I know there isn't. I can chalk this one up to experience. I've got a great coworker in her, but I'll never have the great friend that I once had. Its my loss, and I am sorry for it.
I also discovered that there is a lot more strength in me than I thought. I have found that there are a lot of things a few years ago i wouldn't have wanted to bear up under that now I can. I don't even mind it. I've found that there are things worse than hurting. There are things that are worse than pain, worse even, than loss. I can cope. I think I've learned that i have the ability to move on with my life when I don't feel like it. I said this to someone not too long ago- that whatever happens to you, you can't stop moving. You have to keep going because the world keeps going whatever happens to you. All you can do is pick up, shoulder teh burden, and move on. There is no staying in place, there is no moving backwards. Not if you truly want to live. I want to live. I want the fullest life I can manage. Honestly, I want a life so full I'm not sure I can manage. That's what living is all about.
Thanks to my family and friends, I've also learned that there isn't really an end to a dream. Not if you don't want it to be over. I hang my hat on that star. I know I am tonight. There are things I want that feel so out of reach to me right now that it steals the breath from me just to think of them. But I think of them anyway, because the moment I let go is the moment I completely fail myself. I'm not stopping. There isn't enough no's in the world to make me quit. I've got so much better in me than I have, than I am right now. I refuse to settle for the me I am. I want the better me. I think its the one my partners love. Its the one my friends see. They see me, but they also see what I could be, what I want to be, and they love me for it.
I've said it before, I'll never tire of saying it. Damn, I am one lucky woman.
AGxx
Now, Rogue and I may have had our differences in the past, but working with her is always fun when she's waitressing and not hosting. She's a good stocker, she's efficient, she's a great server (and I say that honestly, she's a better server than I am, truly) and she's usually in a pretty good mood. Today she was in a great mood, so she was a blast to work with.
I spent most of the morning laughing with my coworkers. It kept me flowing through what would have otherwise been an incredibly boring morning. I did have one table come in, and they made my morning. One of the guys at the table was young, and pretty funny. He was one of those customers that alternates between being really nice and giving you a hard time because they think its funny. It was funny, too. He gave me one hell of a time, but I didn't mind. It kept me entertained. When I gave him the check he was indignant I only wrote thank you at the top. While I got him change I wrote a note on the back of his receipt. "What I meant to say was: Thank you very very very much. I hope you have a really great day and you will come back and see me again. Is that better?" I drew a smiley face. I went back to the table afterwards and he had left me a 50% tip with a note of his own. "You're very welcome. I will. And I'll think a about it. A bit." and his initials. It made me laugh. Its customers like that that make the day go by faster. I wish I had ten more just like him every day.
I was pretty happy when I got off work. We came home and I got to do all those boring domestic things that no one cares about. We cuddled Kitten, made dinner, I got my ass beat in twelve successive games of Uno. It was painful. I read a bunch of roller derby blogs, and got lost in talk over strategy and such. It made me pretty happy. I've downloade a podcast with our local rollergirls on a local radio show. I'm going to listen to it whenever the girls go to bed, because its loud, and on the computer, and I don't want to bug them while they do their thing.
So that's my day.
I have had time in the last couple of weeks, however stressed I am, to figure out a few things. One of them is that I am very lucky to have the partners I have. I've been going through quite a bit emotionally, on top of being really stressed about work and not going to school, or the possibility that I might go to school, or whatever. I've had to take some time for serious reflection about myself. I've also been sick as hell. For whatever reason (probably stress) I can't seem to go more than a day or so without getting a migraine. This is really unusual since I'd gotten them down to next to nothing. I also can't seem to keep food in my body. Anytime I eat I end up sick to my stomach, one way or another. Its not plesant. I'd hedge my bets I'm losing weight. And while losing weight is somethign I want to do, this is deinately not the way I was wanting to do it, because I can't exercise or tone if I'm too sick to eat.
The fact that my two ladies have sat beside me and held my hair, or my hand or whatever body part I've needed held without complaint for two solid weeks is really awesome. I don't think many people have one partner, let alone two, that would do that for them. They've put up with me being extremely mopey and whiney. They even tolerated the two-day drug induced haze I was in when I finally broke down and took some medication for my headaches. They worked me through my first big ritual as a Wiccan, they supported me even when they knew I probably ought to be in bed resting rather than outside, playing aruond a fire and dancing. I've never seen two more patient women. Add to that the fact that I haven't really been engaged emotionally with them because I'm tired and they have issues they need work on too, and you see why I feel like I am such a lucky woman.
I've also learned that I have a couple of really, really awesome friends. Sakura and Perpet have listened to me bitch and whine for the better part of two weeks. Perpet tolerated a phone call from me while I was completely blazed on pain medication, and she talked to me (or rather, let me talk at her) for nearly an hour. I've gotten some good advice from both of them, and some much needed moral support.
Also, I might mention, Sakura was feeling poorly today, and if you're the type that prays, I'd be extremely grateful if you said one for him. He's an awesome person, and I hate to think of him in any type of pain.
I've learned that I'm a much needier person than I thought I was. I knew, I've always known, that I am an emotionally needy person. I've always been terribly engaged in everything. At times it makes me a trifle immature, and almost always it gets me into trouble. I have a bad habit of following my heart wherever the hell it thinks it needs to go, and most of the time, its not going anywhere happy. I used to think of myself as a relatively cold person, if I don't love you I really dont care. I think this is a defense mechanism, because I do love so many people its too easy for me to end up torn up. I hate that, because then I spiral into that I need someone to comfort me and make things better for me mode, and that's not cool.
I also realized what went wrong wtih Rogue and I's relationship. Iwon't go into details. Its not important now. But- I'll say this, I know we're both the blame, we both could have handled the situation better, but I think most of the blame rests at my door. I truly feel guilty about how I behaved with her, and though I've apologized I feel like I ought to do more. Sadly, I know there isn't. I can chalk this one up to experience. I've got a great coworker in her, but I'll never have the great friend that I once had. Its my loss, and I am sorry for it.
I also discovered that there is a lot more strength in me than I thought. I have found that there are a lot of things a few years ago i wouldn't have wanted to bear up under that now I can. I don't even mind it. I've found that there are things worse than hurting. There are things that are worse than pain, worse even, than loss. I can cope. I think I've learned that i have the ability to move on with my life when I don't feel like it. I said this to someone not too long ago- that whatever happens to you, you can't stop moving. You have to keep going because the world keeps going whatever happens to you. All you can do is pick up, shoulder teh burden, and move on. There is no staying in place, there is no moving backwards. Not if you truly want to live. I want to live. I want the fullest life I can manage. Honestly, I want a life so full I'm not sure I can manage. That's what living is all about.
Thanks to my family and friends, I've also learned that there isn't really an end to a dream. Not if you don't want it to be over. I hang my hat on that star. I know I am tonight. There are things I want that feel so out of reach to me right now that it steals the breath from me just to think of them. But I think of them anyway, because the moment I let go is the moment I completely fail myself. I'm not stopping. There isn't enough no's in the world to make me quit. I've got so much better in me than I have, than I am right now. I refuse to settle for the me I am. I want the better me. I think its the one my partners love. Its the one my friends see. They see me, but they also see what I could be, what I want to be, and they love me for it.
I've said it before, I'll never tire of saying it. Damn, I am one lucky woman.
AGxx
What's in a name?
I'm planning on doing an actual post later, but I have to share with you the way I've been amusing myself in my spare time for the last week or so.
See, I want to play roller derby, but I know the liklihood of that is somewhere between slim and nothing. So, as a way of amusing myself in my spare time I've been debating with the girls a name if I were a rollergirl. I thought I would share with you some of the ones we've come up with. (I'm including the taglines or jersey numbers when we've thought of them)
I also have to add, I know some of these are probably already taken. I didn't check the database they have...it keeps track of what names are already in use because you cant take a name that's already been chosen unless the girl releases the name to you.
Anyway. Here they are.
Hallmark Shards "You won't get greetings, sympathy or well wishes from this girl"
Sara Pain and Tall
Kim Shady "Can she have your attention please?"
Colt Fortified
Hard-Knock Cathae "She's got you on the menu tonight, served with a side of rink rash!"
Beast Infection (number 666)
Rammin Noodle (The girls think this one is hilarious since I have a ramen fixation)
Tragic 8-Ball "We asked before the bout, and her answer was 'outcome not favorable'"
Jailhouse Block
Porcelain Maul
Annie Choakley
Pauncho Villian
Otis Spankmonster "Her muffin leaves a bruise!"
Dez Astor
Mood Poison (number 8N0M)
Scarlett O'Scareya
Carrie Plotter
Malice Cullen
Hella Swan
Drama Mean
Ariel Assault
Voodoo Maul
Georgia O'Queefe (that one is Kitten's. Oscelot says its disgusting.)
Tyra Shanks
May-kill Boltin'
Anyways. I'm going to start a little sidebar with these in them. I'll probably add more from time to time. I hope they amuse you.
AGxx
See, I want to play roller derby, but I know the liklihood of that is somewhere between slim and nothing. So, as a way of amusing myself in my spare time I've been debating with the girls a name if I were a rollergirl. I thought I would share with you some of the ones we've come up with. (I'm including the taglines or jersey numbers when we've thought of them)
I also have to add, I know some of these are probably already taken. I didn't check the database they have...it keeps track of what names are already in use because you cant take a name that's already been chosen unless the girl releases the name to you.
Anyway. Here they are.
Hallmark Shards "You won't get greetings, sympathy or well wishes from this girl"
Sara Pain and Tall
Kim Shady "Can she have your attention please?"
Colt Fortified
Hard-Knock Cathae "She's got you on the menu tonight, served with a side of rink rash!"
Beast Infection (number 666)
Rammin Noodle (The girls think this one is hilarious since I have a ramen fixation)
Tragic 8-Ball "We asked before the bout, and her answer was 'outcome not favorable'"
Jailhouse Block
Porcelain Maul
Annie Choakley
Pauncho Villian
Otis Spankmonster "Her muffin leaves a bruise!"
Dez Astor
Mood Poison (number 8N0M)
Scarlett O'Scareya
Carrie Plotter
Malice Cullen
Hella Swan
Drama Mean
Ariel Assault
Voodoo Maul
Georgia O'Queefe (that one is Kitten's. Oscelot says its disgusting.)
Tyra Shanks
May-kill Boltin'
Anyways. I'm going to start a little sidebar with these in them. I'll probably add more from time to time. I hope they amuse you.
AGxx
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Echoes of The Kiss
Even after all this time, there are echoes of you in my mind.
As i was laying in bed last night, I thought of you. I remembered the night I finally called you out, and I didn't think you would do it. I remember the sound of the bar around me, and the taste of the beer in mymouth when I got your message. I remember laughing to myself as I sent you one back, telling you how lucky you were not to be with me. Three beers in, I was feeling brave enough to make a move.
Why is that bad? Why would that make you lucky? I remember you asking me.
Because you've never wanted me. I remember my answer so clearly. And then you.
I never said that.
I reeled. Then I called you out.
Prove it.
My phone rang almost immediately. You didn't even need to ask where I was. All you said was "I'll be there in five minutes. You better be waiting for me outside."
I tabbed out. I knew you were just coming to take me home. You didn't want me driving. You didn't want me to ride home with my friends. You were being good to me, playing me with my affection for you.
But when I jumped in your car, you took my hand. I remember the circles you traced on my wrist as you drove. How you shushed me when I tried to talk, walking your fingers up and down my arm before twining them with mine. You rolled down the windows and the cool spring air moved through my hair and yours. I watched your face- mute, unreadable as always. You gave away nothing. I could have not been there, except you were holding my hand and driving me home.
When we pulled in my drive I remember the look on your face as you turned to look at me. I'll never forget it because I only saw it once. In all the time I've known you, I only saw it the one time. Need.
"Do you still feel brave?"
"Yes"
"Then kiss me."
I leaned in, expecting you to laugh at me, but you didn't. When your mouth slid over mine and your arms went around my wasit I know that time stopped. I know it did, because that kiss went on forever. You never stopped, never paused. You kissed me and you kissed me and I couldn't breathe from the sense of relief and longing and you didn't seem to feel it because you were lost in your own. You kissed me until my lips were sore, until I couldn't take another moment.
You took my hand, kissed it, and went around to get the door for me. You walked me all the way to my front door. Then you kissed each of my eyelids, and you told me goodnight.
I don't know why I thought of it last night. There was nothing to remind me of it. But, as I fell asleep, you were there and I wondered where you had come from after all this time.
We were so many things together. But together was forever ago.
Where did you come from last night?
Why was it you?
I don't miss you...but I think I might miss that kiss.
As i was laying in bed last night, I thought of you. I remembered the night I finally called you out, and I didn't think you would do it. I remember the sound of the bar around me, and the taste of the beer in mymouth when I got your message. I remember laughing to myself as I sent you one back, telling you how lucky you were not to be with me. Three beers in, I was feeling brave enough to make a move.
Why is that bad? Why would that make you lucky? I remember you asking me.
Because you've never wanted me. I remember my answer so clearly. And then you.
I never said that.
I reeled. Then I called you out.
Prove it.
My phone rang almost immediately. You didn't even need to ask where I was. All you said was "I'll be there in five minutes. You better be waiting for me outside."
I tabbed out. I knew you were just coming to take me home. You didn't want me driving. You didn't want me to ride home with my friends. You were being good to me, playing me with my affection for you.
But when I jumped in your car, you took my hand. I remember the circles you traced on my wrist as you drove. How you shushed me when I tried to talk, walking your fingers up and down my arm before twining them with mine. You rolled down the windows and the cool spring air moved through my hair and yours. I watched your face- mute, unreadable as always. You gave away nothing. I could have not been there, except you were holding my hand and driving me home.
When we pulled in my drive I remember the look on your face as you turned to look at me. I'll never forget it because I only saw it once. In all the time I've known you, I only saw it the one time. Need.
"Do you still feel brave?"
"Yes"
"Then kiss me."
I leaned in, expecting you to laugh at me, but you didn't. When your mouth slid over mine and your arms went around my wasit I know that time stopped. I know it did, because that kiss went on forever. You never stopped, never paused. You kissed me and you kissed me and I couldn't breathe from the sense of relief and longing and you didn't seem to feel it because you were lost in your own. You kissed me until my lips were sore, until I couldn't take another moment.
You took my hand, kissed it, and went around to get the door for me. You walked me all the way to my front door. Then you kissed each of my eyelids, and you told me goodnight.
I don't know why I thought of it last night. There was nothing to remind me of it. But, as I fell asleep, you were there and I wondered where you had come from after all this time.
We were so many things together. But together was forever ago.
Where did you come from last night?
Why was it you?
I don't miss you...but I think I might miss that kiss.
Double Header Delight
Right. So before you think I'm being naughty again, look at the pictures. This post is about roller derby.Last night was the first home bout for my team since they became WFTDA certified. It was something I was really excited for. I'm pretty sure I mentioned I was going earlier this week. I took the time on Thursday to make the shirt you see me in. It's one of their old logos, and i added a few sequins, because I'm a huge girl.
I was really thankful that I had last night off so I was able to go. Nothing's more annoying than wanting to go watch a good bout and not being able to because you're stuck at work. Either way, as soon as we were off we headed home and got dressed. After dinner we pulled into the lot at the rink where the bout was taking place. it was already packed. We had to park way in the back. In fact, if you look closely at the photo of me and Kitten, you can see we are parked almost behind the rink. I'm not sure where everyone else who showed up less than an hour before the bout ended up parking.
We were super excited because some of our friends were playing in the bouts. We know some of the roller girls because Oscelot used to play, and so we had the opportunity to get to know them before she ended up leaving because there simply isn't enough time in the day for her to do it. It makes us sad. She loved it, and I loved watching her. Of course, it is nice to go to a bout and not have to worry that the woman you love could be broken in half by some monstrous blocker, but hey- that's derby. Then again, I love all the roller girls I know, so I'm still a bit on pins and needles when they're on the floor anyway.
When we got inside I got a chance to talk to a few of the girls before the first bout. I don't know if I mentioned it, but both of our teams were playing. It was a double header. (derby all night long? yes, please)
We watched the warm up, and I'm not going to lie, the girls on the first team (Route 66 Roller Girls, from Amarillo Tx) looked pretty scary. Turns out, the last time our team captain had played them she ended up with a broken collar bone. Ouch. Either way, we were totally psyched. Oscelot's derby wife, Anabell Lecter, was playing. We were really excited to watch her first home bout too.
We won the first bout. It was rough, and I think for the first time I got a glimpse of what it was like to watch two really good teams go at it. The Rt. 66 girls were huge, and tough, and watching them play our girls had me biting my fingernails a few times. I had to get a drink of water between bouts, I'd nearly shouted myself hoarse during the first one!
Our All Stars team played second. I can't brag on these girls enough. I watched them last year and was impressed, but this year they seem to be a completely different team. They were playing the Northwest Arkansas All Stars Roller Girls, and they looked just as vicious as Rt. 66. Turns out they were more so! I've never seen so much toughness in one place at one time. But our girls, danm- they're fast, they're tougher and so smart. I was enthralled.
I truly love this sport. There were some moments last night that I couldn't believe. About halfway through the bout one of our girls whipped our jammer, but it wasn't a normal whip- they made a figure eight with their arms and spun in a circle. It was so cool. Not to mention it gave our Jammer and chance to really build some velocity. Two of our players, one a pivot and blocker, the other a jammer, pivot and blocker, are known for getting ejected. As rough as the game got, I was really proud neither of them did- although they both came really close penalty wise. Both of them had some seriously amazing hits during the bouts- you know- the ones that make you cringe and cheer at the same time...I couldn't believe it. Our All Stars won too, and it was a bit of a blowout- but it didn't seem that way during the bout. the NWA All Stars really put up a fight, and sometimes I forgot we were winning, because those girls kept hitting like there was only a 10 point difference in the score...
A couple of fun and interesting moments I must report:
First, most of the derby girls do not scare me. They're really nice, and off the track they are super fun people. There's one, who was actually coaching last night rather than playing (an injury, I think) who is tough as nails. When she's in her gear, I'm terrified of her. Before the first bout i went to the bathroom and when I opened my stall door she was waiting outside it, glaring her trademark glare. I almost shut my stall door again, just to hide. Thinking of it now makes me laugh.
At the halfway point in the first bout I went to the ladies again (its good to get it out of your system when there's no play. I hate missing a jam) and one of the NWA All Stars came in while I was washing my hands. She gave me one of those cocky once-overs and smiled at me. "Hey. What's up?" I blushed from head to toe. I'm normally not a blusher, but if I haven't mentioned it- the one thing that turns me from a flirty smart ass to a quivering pile of blushes and giggles is a oood looking roller girl. This one was seriously good looking. I almost melted into my sneakers. When I watched her play later I reconsidered, because she was a seriously badass chick- but I giggled all the way back to my spot in the suicide lane...
Also, and this concerns one of our team members...so I don't talk to some of them. I don't know them, or we've only been introduced a couple of times, or we haven't been introduced at all and I only know them by how they play....Anyhow. One of the girls on our team is awesome. She's a wild, fun loving, amazing player. I always walk the line between roller crushing on her or being completely terrified because she's a rock star and I'm pretty sure she knows it. We were sitting watching the girls run around while the other team was warming up during one of the breaks. She skated by, paused, waved at me and gave me a little wink, and then skated off.
Kitten looks at me and goes "Are you blushing?"
"No."
"you're blushing!"
"No, I'm not!"
Maybe I was. See, this girl has had four conversations with me ever. The first was "Nice to meet you." The second was "thanks for the Dr. Pepper." the third was "good to see you again" and the fourth was a brief talk at the front door when we came in last night because she happened to be up there and knows Oscelot. I couldn't figure out why in heavens name she would take the time to single me out. So I was a little suprised, it made me blush. again. (see ref: rollergirls make me blush) The girls totally made fun of me. I don't care. Oscelot says she did it because I'm cute and I got to all the home bouts. I think she's full of it.
And no, I won't tell you who it was, because I know some of the roller girls read my blog, and I am so not letting you take the mickey out of me for thinking she's awesome. (Its NOT a crush!)
Anyway, delightful time had by all. I got some pictures with the girls afterwards, and was totally disappointed we didn't get to go to the after-after party, even though several of the ladies asked us along. I was up for a night of dancing, and man, if I've learned one thing its that those girls know how to have a good time. It would have been fun. Maybe next time.
So, in case you're curious, the pictures.
1. The first one is Oscelot with one of the All Stars- Miss Chetty Boop
2. That's me and Kitten. Obviously.
3. That's me and two of our All Stars- Shotgun Shell and Tiger Beatdown. Shell got the MVP award last night. I thought it was awesome.
I might also mention last night before the bout I watched one of our other girls, Seven Deadly Shins, do a leg whip with Shell. It was so cool. I'm such a dork. But I got all excited because they were doing it again after the bout.
Interestingly enough, and I don't know if she knows it, Lifeguard was in the program last night, listed as one of our players, even though she's out of town. Also, there wasn't a picture, just a sillouette of a girl flexing her biceps. It gave me a good giggle.
So. I'm off to shower and pretend like I'm getting ready to goto another bout, when I really have to get ready for work. Our next home bout is in July. I can't wait.
AGxx
PS- sorry the formatting is screwed up again, I'm willing, since I posted some nice pictures for you.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Heartbreak
I cried today. Like, I actually cried. Tears. If you know me, then you know that isn't something I do often. Actually, its something I do rarely enough it normally frightens my loved ones to see it.
Why, might you ask, did I cry? School. how silly is that?
I could go into a long drawn out explanation, but it really doesn't matter. The short version of the story is I can't go. Its not an option, not anytime in the near future. The girls were mistaken, I was mistaken.
It breaks my heart. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I really know better, I should anyway. It really kicks my ass too, because this is entirely my fault. Twice I've had the chance to get an education. Twice I've made decisions that caused me to lose that opportunity. I'm not going to get an education and it is completely my fault. I can't blame anyone else.
The more I think about it, the more it seems to me like I've wasted my time even hoping for it. Even if I did start now, unless I went full time I wouldn't have my bachelors until I was nearly 40. By the time I got my masters I would almost be too old to do anything worthwhile with my career. What would I do in the meantime? Waitress- still?
The most fun part? I get to tell my mom she was right. I can't afford school and it was selfish for me to have thought of it.
I'm probably going back to my hanky now. I have to make peace with me utterly failing myself.
AGxx
Why, might you ask, did I cry? School. how silly is that?
I could go into a long drawn out explanation, but it really doesn't matter. The short version of the story is I can't go. Its not an option, not anytime in the near future. The girls were mistaken, I was mistaken.
It breaks my heart. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I really know better, I should anyway. It really kicks my ass too, because this is entirely my fault. Twice I've had the chance to get an education. Twice I've made decisions that caused me to lose that opportunity. I'm not going to get an education and it is completely my fault. I can't blame anyone else.
The more I think about it, the more it seems to me like I've wasted my time even hoping for it. Even if I did start now, unless I went full time I wouldn't have my bachelors until I was nearly 40. By the time I got my masters I would almost be too old to do anything worthwhile with my career. What would I do in the meantime? Waitress- still?
The most fun part? I get to tell my mom she was right. I can't afford school and it was selfish for me to have thought of it.
I'm probably going back to my hanky now. I have to make peace with me utterly failing myself.
AGxx
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